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is currently an undergraduate student, and coping with her overwhelming commitments. I like long walks in solitude, cosy chats, usually sleep like a log, and beg your patience in tolerating my versatile humour

I had such a happy day yesterday, that I'm positively beaming away at my laptop as I sit here typing. Even the momentary blues later in the night are outshined by my very productive day that I , like an excited 5 year old, am bursting full of news about it.
The Lord is back in my life, and I acknowledge his presence fully(:
I missed his calling for the cip trips almost thrice, first the India OCIP and then the Chiangrai, Cambodia and the recent jumbo trip that I missed, but there's no denying that I'm eagerly anticipating the Legion trip. I feel that God has personally used his mighty javelin and hurled this chance straight into my direction, and I must embrace it fully. Although I do feel quite guilty that Ma and Daddy aren't exactly the most affluent of parents, I am grateful for the fact that they are sponsoring me.
God has answered my prayers not just in this aspect of finding my purpose, but to live up to my confirmation name as well. And the more I think about it, the more I feel that I really enjoy bringing a smile to people's faces, by helping them in some way or another. Even in my misery, like a clown with a painted smile, I really find joy through service(:
Which is why I was so happy at yesterday's class CIP in the most ulu parts of Singapore's residency - Senja. Haha. We met at 9am (first T11-er there!) and I got free Milo from Sush's friend. Turnout from my class all girls (as you can see, the guys are super enthu) and we went to the blocks to collect newspaper, electronics, and old clothes. I think it's a Singaporean thing to be a. watching Kids Central or b. sleeping in on Saturday mornings. But the residents were really friendly ( we actually got onde onde from this Malay goreng pisang seller for free) and the children were really cute. And we saw a snow dog!(Siberian husky)
After lunch at KFC with Kathy HW and Seren, I left for tuition with Thrish on the MRT. We slept all the way. I actually covered quite a few chapters of GE on my ride, but I still don't get the part about the Pockets. The language is too cheem for my comprehension. I honestly have no idea why Pip would think in such complicated, witty and sarcastic ways as a child. Oh well.
And and I talked to Vidya last night(: Our online conversation lasted for 3 hours! Omg! Guess we had alot to update each other on. And I had a pleasant discovery last night too, because what I thought was a deadend was actually an invisible door with a neon pink doorknob.
I have learnt so much. In just a span of a week. Amenamen.

Due to my habitual sombre and melodramatic posts, I have decided to start off this one with a series of birthday shoutouts annoyingly punctuated with saccharine sweet smileys to give you the illusion, that I am a carefree and cheerful girl.
18th April: Happy 18th Birthday to Jacq and Chere! (: Classmates of blue, both of whom posesss much literary flair, and inclination towards the Arts - I hope you had a blast (: (:
Okay, so as I was saying.
My mom was not bluffing, the eyebags around my eyes have become more prominent and it's starting to get to me. At the rate it's progressing, I can probably get away with a Gothic look for Literary Evening without the makeup. Which reminds me, that we still have not managed to concretized any ideas for our video. I guess this is just going to spark off another round of imposing high expectations on myself and others, and watch myself crumble again because I use the success of others as a benchmark.
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I've just realised that how the knife seems to be an almost accurate representation of the events in my life right now. At home, where I think there's a reason why there are no sharp knives in the kitchen, because of the temperamental angsty violent outbursts of certain people. Also, during CIP at the home where I've been going during the weekends, because of my inherent ability to chop vegetables/slice prawns. Much to my embarrasement, I have had the aunties and uncle of the kitchen to believe that I am a full-fledged bimbo, because I cannot differentiate between mince and chop. (Yes, as anal as it sounds, chop is to "just whack and whatever kena, kena-s and whatever doesn't, too bad just throw it in the bowl anyway"). And I was having a conversation while clearing up with a friend,
"I would like to have a knife like that" (quotes Offred)

"I already know someone who does".
Hardy har-har.
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Under the new initiative Zao, I attended the hockey match with a whole busload of supporters on Wed at NTU. Sprinklers are scary, btw, especially when you are not warned before hand. And the cheering was quite disjointed because not everyone knew what we were cheering. But it was an exciting match because they sustained all the way until the 69th minute, which was most unfortunate. Like what Fripps said, seeing boys cry takes defeat to a whole new level. I felt really bad, because I know for a fact they were playing really well, despite the rough handling and discreet shoving of the opponents (excuse me for my college bias). The train ride home was er, interesting. Heh. We must have baffled the commuters with our strange movements at every stop. And there's still intermediate and advanced level.
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Bernie has left us for good, and I think I have just realised the gravity of its impact. Although we were already informed of it a few Saturdays before the canteen, I guess opening up her email and seeing it in fully typed black and white tends to have a somewhat different effect. This means I won't be seeing her anymore, for a long time. And I'm quite well, depreseesd about it, because I really got to know her better during the retreat and to lose someone, just when you taught you'd begun to understand her, well it's like dangling a lollipop in front of a child and then snatching it away.
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The constants in my life are changing, and I see it in the evolution or rather, degeneration of friendships too. But on the other hand, I've confided in some people this week and I think we've managed to hold on to that last thread that binds. I've also realised, that even in our adversities, we are not alone in our struggles, and that everyone is going through a particularly tough moment right now, uncanny as it sounds. To all the different yous:
Thank you for listening to me, all the way till 630pm that day outside your class. I just feel a load lighter knowing you know about the turn of events. And although I think it's perfectly irrational and senseless to wait, I think this is going to be quite an unforgettable experience in my JC life.
Thank you for sharing with me, what's been going on all this while that has led to the tension between all 3 of you. I know you must have felt offended and judged by the way he said it to you, I hope you do realise that there's some truth in what he said. You haven't exactly been involved in alot of the activies going on, and I guess that's why you feel the distance. I hope you know what to do, and that your friendship isn't affected.
And thank you, for allowing the penny to your thoughts. Try not to worry too much about the injustices you may face, because in a storm you just have to remember one thing: It will pass. I doubt I have the capacity to make any huge impact right now, but I hope my listening helps.
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I went for my first H1 lessons and lecture this week. I terribly miss the rowdy and energetic vibes of the H2 lecture. To see everyone in a perpetual zoning off state now in a graveyard of silence, needs getting used to. At least I have Clara, that comforts me. Sigh.
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Just a random thought:
Do you think the stomach could be a void which needs to be filled? Like how, when hunger pangs attack, or at the conditioned growling we hear at 10/11pm depending on your breaks, we just crave to eat. Well, maybe it's a physical and emotional void too. Like how, when we feel empty or drained, the first thing we want to do is to head down to the canteen and ravenously consume carbo laden food or sugary drinks, or deep fried indulgences. And how, when we feel full or bloated, we feel sick because it's too much within. And then the cycle repeats. Maybe hunger is a metaphor.

Sometimes life can be such a bitch. It sneers and mocks our downfall, with great ridicule. No matter how much effort we may put in, no matter how much time and energy we may channel into a particular course of action, well let's just face it - it's not always directly proportional to the outcome. Life can be a bitch, when you have to face its jeering pretty painted face on a daily basis, fighting the urge to give up and throw in the towel even when the going gets tough. But then, one must remember to be stoic (not resigned, Jacq, the terms are not as interchangeable as u think) and well, posssess the Kindirk Spirit. Because well, if life is a bitch, the last thing you want to do is to be affected by its constant taunts. You don't want to sit down and wail and bemoan your pathetic state because then, it would mean that the bitch has grinded you down. But as Atwood says, Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Life can be a Gilead, but it's up to us to keep our sanity alive by not admitting defeat. And frankly, that's something that I've been working on for the past week.
Because well, right now I just feel this great sense of injustice from so many factors, including council and school work and my lousy PW results. And I keep asking myself whether it's worth all the blood, sweat and tears that I go through. Maybe this is just retribution for all the bad karma I've been accumuating all this while.
Right now, I feel drained of all my juices with the whole motion of going to school, councilling, tuition, and CIP and church meets. And I doubt I can meet Brother's advised 3 hours of study daily. Like hello. I dont think I even sleep that long, let alone do work and study.
But I guess God is slowly coming back into my life again. I had a really vivid dream last night. Hopefully it does come true, but maybe I'm just building sandcastles in the air. But it will sure clear up an awful amount of trouble. Plus I have been having alot of heart to heart talks with friends over the whole issue, and it's been helpful. Not to mention the Friday rain today(: Although I was quite sad that I couldn't donate blood today. Second rejection la. Sad. Fated. Or in this case, unfated. In more ways than one.

Be brave, people.
We must be brave.

And there with the ebb and flow of the tide

there I go

there I go again

never I hope

but somehow, always.



They say Hurricane Katrina was a disaster, but honestly, I've been through worse. Somehow even in the eye of a storm, people are comforted and reassured by the peace and serenity that surrounds, but me being the cynical bitter self that I am, I just know for a fact that the quiet is an anticipation of foreboding doom. And this week was doom because firstly, of the pressing issues at home, and secondly, the sudden pressure to drop 4H2s. And of all days, Brother decided to break the news to us on April Fools. Initially, I was seriously debating whether or not to skip school because of my exhaustion from 2.4 but I decided that it's probably the only time I'd ever get to prank the school and thus I dragged my weary self out of bed that fateful morning. Giggles were stifled aplenty as all the councillors pinned our collar pins and golden gleamies on the other side of our uniform. Although the reaction we had hoped from students was far from overwhelming, I was nonetheless amused that Mr Tan had actually checked the morning assembly people before we walked up. Unfortunately, that state of fool-induced high was short-lived when Brother dropped the bombshell on us. Although I do complain and whine incessantly about my pathetique (a la Mr Tay) Geography grades, I was not demoralised to the point when I had seriously considered dropping it. Sigh. Thank you, lovely friends, for showing such heart-warming concern and sincere sympathy towards me when I was in my emotionally unstable worst this week, especially my classmates and councilmates and exclassmates and all th e teachers that I spoke to. And yeah, much as I do have a choice in keeping my H2s, somehow something tells me that I have simply too much on my plate and it's going to take a major miracle to pull my grades from Ses and Us to a decent C by MYE. Yucks. Hate how thing are going at the moment. Seriously.
Not to mention the delays in Easter, but I guess it's diplomatic to keep my mouth shut about it. Too much high strung tension in council now, and sadly CA too, and I don't wish to contribute to it. Now that I reflect back on this week, I think about karma being its bitter self-since I wanted to fool the school and ended up being the greatest fool instead. Haha. There are way too many happenings lately and I'm afraid I'm drifting from Him. Prayers are hurried nowadays and the mind wanders during masses. Somehow I'm just impatient that my requests are unanswered, but I hope that He is really looking out for me, if not always in the way I expect (recall Mrs Hoe
s SD lesson on stress management). I wish I could as fervent and pious in my ways like the people around me, and this is really a test of faith - hope I don't score a U for this too.

Corridor chancings and unexpected glimpes are turning out to be more awkward than I thought. Too bad some people couldn't keep their mouths shut and put me through this torment. As if I'm not going through enough already.

Oh and just in case I don't blog for the next days,
Happy 18th Birthday Fishy! My beloved best friend/classmate/councilmate, I pray that you are able to unwind and bask in the denturing glory of your braces. Don't chew the grass and don't drop your dentures; instead smile and enjoy your special day! God bless(:

Shoutout to Nikki: Thank you for the note and the Hello Panda - I am very touched by your gesture. Don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how BIG your God is! I'd try to keep that in mind.

And now, if you would excuse me, the weekend is waiting to be wasted.

Going with the flow,
moss.

Aiming
Beans
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Deborah Faith
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Jacq
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