A voice was heard in Ramah.

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Jocelyn A. Monique

is currently an undergraduate student, and coping with her ~~overwhelming~~ commitments. I like long walks in solitude, cosy chats, usually sleep like a log, and beg your patience in tolerating my versatile humour

Sunday, April 20, 2008

11:09 AM

Due to my habitual sombre and melodramatic posts, I have decided to start off this one with a series of birthday shoutouts annoyingly punctuated with saccharine sweet smileys to give you the illusion, that I am a carefree and cheerful girl.
18th April: Happy 18th Birthday to Jacq and Chere! (: Classmates of blue, both of whom posesss much literary flair, and inclination towards the Arts - I hope you had a blast (: (:
Okay, so as I was saying.
My mom was not bluffing, the eyebags around my eyes have become more prominent and it's starting to get to me. At the rate it's progressing, I can probably get away with a Gothic look for Literary Evening without the makeup. Which reminds me, that we still have not managed to concretized any ideas for our video. I guess this is just going to spark off another round of imposing high expectations on myself and others, and watch myself crumble again because I use the success of others as a benchmark.
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I've just realised that how the knife seems to be an almost accurate representation of the events in my life right now. At home, where I think there's a reason why there are no sharp knives in the kitchen, because of the temperamental angsty violent outbursts of certain people. Also, during CIP at the home where I've been going during the weekends, because of my inherent ability to chop vegetables/slice prawns. Much to my embarrasement, I have had the aunties and uncle of the kitchen to believe that I am a full-fledged bimbo, because I cannot differentiate between mince and chop. (Yes, as anal as it sounds, chop is to "just whack and whatever kena, kena-s and whatever doesn't, too bad just throw it in the bowl anyway"). And I was having a conversation while clearing up with a friend,
"I would like to have a knife like that" (quotes Offred)

"I already know someone who does".
Hardy har-har.
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Under the new initiative Zao, I attended the hockey match with a whole busload of supporters on Wed at NTU. Sprinklers are scary, btw, especially when you are not warned before hand. And the cheering was quite disjointed because not everyone knew what we were cheering. But it was an exciting match because they sustained all the way until the 69th minute, which was most unfortunate. Like what Fripps said, seeing boys cry takes defeat to a whole new level. I felt really bad, because I know for a fact they were playing really well, despite the rough handling and discreet shoving of the opponents (excuse me for my college bias). The train ride home was er, interesting. Heh. We must have baffled the commuters with our strange movements at every stop. And there's still intermediate and advanced level.
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Bernie has left us for good, and I think I have just realised the gravity of its impact. Although we were already informed of it a few Saturdays before the canteen, I guess opening up her email and seeing it in fully typed black and white tends to have a somewhat different effect. This means I won't be seeing her anymore, for a long time. And I'm quite well, depreseesd about it, because I really got to know her better during the retreat and to lose someone, just when you taught you'd begun to understand her, well it's like dangling a lollipop in front of a child and then snatching it away.
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The constants in my life are changing, and I see it in the evolution or rather, degeneration of friendships too. But on the other hand, I've confided in some people this week and I think we've managed to hold on to that last thread that binds. I've also realised, that even in our adversities, we are not alone in our struggles, and that everyone is going through a particularly tough moment right now, uncanny as it sounds. To all the different yous:
Thank you for listening to me, all the way till 630pm that day outside your class. I just feel a load lighter knowing you know about the turn of events. And although I think it's perfectly irrational and senseless to wait, I think this is going to be quite an unforgettable experience in my JC life.
Thank you for sharing with me, what's been going on all this while that has led to the tension between all 3 of you. I know you must have felt offended and judged by the way he said it to you, I hope you do realise that there's some truth in what he said. You haven't exactly been involved in alot of the activies going on, and I guess that's why you feel the distance. I hope you know what to do, and that your friendship isn't affected.
And thank you, for allowing the penny to your thoughts. Try not to worry too much about the injustices you may face, because in a storm you just have to remember one thing: It will pass. I doubt I have the capacity to make any huge impact right now, but I hope my listening helps.
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I went for my first H1 lessons and lecture this week. I terribly miss the rowdy and energetic vibes of the H2 lecture. To see everyone in a perpetual zoning off state now in a graveyard of silence, needs getting used to. At least I have Clara, that comforts me. Sigh.
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Just a random thought:
Do you think the stomach could be a void which needs to be filled? Like how, when hunger pangs attack, or at the conditioned growling we hear at 10/11pm depending on your breaks, we just crave to eat. Well, maybe it's a physical and emotional void too. Like how, when we feel empty or drained, the first thing we want to do is to head down to the canteen and ravenously consume carbo laden food or sugary drinks, or deep fried indulgences. And how, when we feel full or bloated, we feel sick because it's too much within. And then the cycle repeats. Maybe hunger is a metaphor.

the usual suspects

Aiming
Beans
Carmen
Cereal Tossers
Deborah Faith
Hao Wen
Jacq
Joel
Marie
Ngee Derk
T Lo