A voice was heard in Ramah.

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This cat is HDB approved.

Jocelyn A. Monique

is currently an undergraduate student, and coping with her ~~overwhelming~~ commitments. I like long walks in solitude, cosy chats, usually sleep like a log, and beg your patience in tolerating my versatile humour

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Sunday, March 29, 2009

10:19 PM

If I had my way, I'd wake up for just one day without any worries in my lollipop head. I'd start the day free as the birds who sing to the dawn every morning at my study room window, with a sentimental Frank Sinatra song in my heart. I won't worry about the housing bills, or my university applications, or my exhuastion, or the conundrum of issues that revolve around my head like a babyborn's mobile. No.
If I had my way, I'd live for long rides on a commuter free bus, the ones I take every Friday night back home after church. I'd think about politics, literature, pretty scrapbooks, dainty teacups on a porcelain plate, and frilly wrap dresses. I'll live a carefree life immersed in good fellowship, cosy eateries and soulful Jazz music on the ukulele.
I'll write Dark children's books, fight for the Truth at all costs, bake perfect cakes, pluck money from trees and ensure the silence in a library is kept. I'd speak up in the middle of a meeting, slap an obnoxious customer, balance on a taut wire and travel the world.
If I had my way, I'd walk barefoot with you in the middle of a highway in the dead of the night for the thrill of it. We'd eat ice cream in the rain, share a broken umbrella, curl up on the couch with hot mugs of cocoa, leave our dinners burning on the stove because we are too absorbed in feisty argument.
Only, I don't have my way.

Alfresco was awesome. It was the highlight of the week, getting to enjoy the amazing company of CA, light hearted talk with the teachers, soaking in the CJ vibes at dusk. Dinner was great as well, catching up with your favourite bunch of people is just really heart warming. Weekend whoosed past too quickly, Canteen today was great because so many of us turned up and helped out. Even though I admit it wasn't very organised, what made it special (and for every Canteen) is that you get to work together as a team in the kitchen and immerse yourself in the company.
Stepping down comes with mixed emotions, but I hope I did not tax the other leaders too much in the group - after all, how much guidance can come from one who is lost herself.

I'm tired.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

9:43 PM

If you thought this was going to be some story of optimism, courage and unwavering determination, well let me tell you how misplaced your hopes are. This isn't some story of a princess who complained of a pain in her back because of some decomposing green vegetable beneath her pile of mattresses. Neither is this some tale of a damsel of distress in dire need of an overdue haircut, at split ends (pun intended) waiting for her charming prince to rescue her. If you want that, have a Word with the Brothers Grimm ( I always wondered why the need for such sombre names when their tales are anything but) or a pun of a time with Dr Seuss and his ill-coloured eggs and ham.
This is a story of a single mom who struggles to make ends meet. How she slogs her hours away, perhaps at some dimly lit shabby excuse of a garment factory on a malfunctioning sewing machine - to earn that pittance that will feed the gnawing stomachs of her sons and daughters. Yes, she is still young. No, she's far from pretty. In fact her eyes are probably squinting from the darkness of the workarea ("cost effective measures" but she speaks no English) and her hands perhaps callused from countless acupunctures of a misplaced stitch.
It's also a story of a high powered guy in a corporate job, who has everything and yet nothing. Decent pay, great career advancements and travel opportunities. He's the one with ambition, the one that other firms Keep An Eye On becaues he's the tough that gets going when the going gets tough. He likes to work out at the gym on alternate weekdays except Fridays, walk his dogs at Central Park during the weekends. Great cook as well. Only problem is, he's lacking a girlfriend. Why? You may ask. Well, he's the perfect guy. But also the perfect commitment phobe. The type who wouldn't want to start anything because the M word startles him like a deer in front of headlights.
Or it could be the simple story of being overtaken at the Express counter at a supermarket queue. You are well aware of the fact for example, the over excitable Aunty (that's right, with a capital A) in her mismatched Crocs and arms heaving with groceries has 13 and not 10 items. In fact you could bet your last dollar on that, because you actually counted them while she deliberately cut you. You want to scream, shout, throw a tantrum like a baby in the middle of a church sermon. While you are at it, you also want to hit her with a watermelon off the Fresh Fruits section (China ones are better, for their genetically modified size are an advantage). Only that you don't. You let her pass you. And you pretend as though nothing has happened when you walk out to your car.
What do all these stories have in common, you ask?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
No happy ending? You seem disappointed.
You see? I just thought I told you it wasn't a story of courage, optimism and unwavering determination.
Then what story is it, you persist.

It's life, my friend.

What's that, come again? I couldn't quite catch you.

Of course not, you are caught right in it.

It's raining It's pouring.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

9:52 PM

This week started out pretty bleak in terms of weather, rain rain rain on Monday that drives me nuts whenever I have to travel. Ruined my perfectly new pair of shoes! ): Plus the tuition area is like swarmed with trees so it was quite a heart thumping moment strategizing my next step for fear of a tree falling on me. Yes lightning stikes the tallest object, but when tallest object is right next to you, I is scared. The golden retreiver is exceptionally annoying with its staccato bark whenever I pass by it/step on a branch. I finally figured out the logic behind Neither Nor and Either Or! (: Yay.
Work today was crazy. CL people were asked to go back today, met Chloe on the train ride there. Calls are piling up, stupid peak period rubbish, honestly don't get how people want to call when it's the IT people they need and not IIT. Already finished 3/4 of the calls by lunchbreak, totally zoning out by 5. I'm getting a bit grumpy because it's low on the finances at the moment and my mom isn't reimbursing her expenses using my moolah. Payday is only like next week, and tuition probably another year or so haha before I get my dues.
I'm starting to doubt people alot lately. Partly because of the inconsistency of human behaviour as Mr Pang puts it. I wish everyone would be nice to each other solely for the sake of being so, and not due to some ulterior motive or vested interests. I also wish people would practise what they preach, in terms of being open and honest with people they consider their friends. Of course, being the soft turtlehead I am, I will probably not voice it up but bury it deep inside, choosing to forgive and let bygones be bygones. After all doormats are there all the time but people never really do notice it until it's a blizzard out there and one day it's gone.
I'm deliberately set on not blogging about Results Day on Friday, at the moment I have no idea where my path lies -it's almost like being in a boat without an oar and I'm simply drifting along in an ocean of options. Plus I'm not a swimmer by nature, so sinking is an absolute no no.
We are becoming slaves to our gadgets and devices. False idoltry and worship as forbidden by the commandments fail to hold true in an era where Time seems to be always complemented by a background soundtrack, think ears plugged into an iPod for those long journeys. Every activity revolving around passing Time seems to be consumeristic in some sense, a purchase is definitely required. Doesn't that suck? Even at work, with the headset plugged throughout I feel so connected and yet distant.

I think I'd have to rely alot more on parenthese these days because I feel like there's stage directions going on in my head, and nothing is verbalised. And yes, I cut my hair you don't have to keep pointing it out like everyone did at work today haha.

Love, save the empty.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

11:33 PM

Regrets, nostagia, crossroads and commitments are making me dizzy wheezy. Managed to finish Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult, gotcha annoying Picoult fan who stole my book which I wanted to renew, now I finally know the ending. Boy, I guess I was predicting it in some way but never thought that the culprit would turn out that way. Goes to show the decisions that some people are subject to arising from the bonds of family. My intrigue with the Amish lifestyle has been fuelled further, first book was sometime in secondary school about some romance.
Am currently reading Brick Lane by Monica Ali, right now it's quite boring haha because the Indian wife hasn't started her affair oh my scandalous(!), but given the fact that she's married to someone years older and worlds apart, well I'm not going to judge her myself. It's a bit tragic at the moment because her first born son just died in the hospital, and if you are Indian you know how important Sons are, let alone first borns.
Wednesday was Ash Mass in CJ, glad to finally attend mass back in my wonderful school with CA peeps - despite being late for work because I did not use the sidegate. Work's improving by bits and pieces as well, PJ's really super helpful with my panic mode whenever I put them on hold. Lunching and walking with Aru is great too, I am officially her tour guide to the North and the malls around haha.
Saturday was an awesome compensation for my bleak Friday, with the SOW at St Ignatius. Don't we just adore CA company - Jason's lost weight, Joel looks tough, Audrey and Fuellers, Matt and Guin, and saw Joshua from CIP too! Gosh its been long. Sessions were great, really felt like I was talking to God for real through prayer (: Rainy rainy night ride home, super hungry too.

This week has been pretty reflective for me, just in time for Lent you say. Well firstly I thought about self indulgence and how, er consumeristic I tend to be getting. 2 purchases in 2 weeks, my my is this my Doppelganger Shopaholic Self? Idk. Well of course I justify that because they were needs and not wants. But wants can become needs can't they? If you want someone won't you feel like you need the person haha. Even Jason pointed it out, my new image-conscious self. But if you look at it from another angle, doesn't looking good entail to feeling good too? The same reason I feel when I go for a run, even though I'm huffing and puffing like the Wolf from the 3 Little Three Pigs, and I get all sore and exhausted after that, but I do know that I have benefitted in some way or another. Don't NS peeps feel good when they've shed the extra pounds? It all works by the same logic I think.

I also thought about crossroads, what happens when a single event can become a life-defining moment for so many of us this week probably. That the little slip of paper, probably A4 and laminated, having passed through your school, your teachers and finally you - could determine the next turn in the road for you. And I comfort myself saying that no matter what path you take, it leads you back to God or at least, a road of self-discovery and elevation of the Soul. And then I thought of Jac, and how she used to poke fun of my surname: Joke-him. Which made me sad for awhile, but then hey she's happier right, with Mr Anthony and all the other lovely people I've known.

Talking to old favourite friends made me realise two things: that one, I still have a few regrets even up to this point in time, although I have consciously made the effort to embrace Change like Mr Obama. Because Joce here is afraid of taking the deep plunge into the Unknown, of laying it out all like earnest Gigi:
"At least I know I was one step closer to it"
Maybe I am, and I just don't know it.
Gah I think work is messing with my nerves again.

the usual suspects

Aiming
Beans
Carmen
Cereal Tossers
Deborah Faith
Hao Wen
Jacq
Joel
Marie
Ngee Derk
T Lo