A voice was heard in Ramah.

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Jocelyn A. Monique

is currently an undergraduate student, and coping with her ~~overwhelming~~ commitments. I like long walks in solitude, cosy chats, usually sleep like a log, and beg your patience in tolerating my versatile humour

Today.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

1:29 AM

Today I felt happy, I felt close and connected, the buzz and rush that comes when you are (always) in the presence of God. Thought I could never reclaim that way you feel when you have morning masses in CJC, but I felt it in a certain university during campus mass. It's nice to know that no matter how much we desert him, he never forsakes us. That the more we try to run away so much, the irony remains that we draw nearer. That telling ourselves that we won't dig ourselves the same old hole, doesn't matter now because our focus will remain.

I kept telling myself that I didn't want to do this, that I had enough and was over, that 12 years of this was already pushing the limit -get up, get out, get a life, try something new.

Here I am.

Right where you left me, thought I'd never come back. Thought I'd enough of commitments, running around like an engineered clock. Here I am, running back to you, with your arms wide open, waiting for me.

Waiting, in your promise. My promise.

I'm thankful, you know how I am when it comes to personal prayers - I'm touched that you answered.

Thank you.

I pray for you my dear friend - that in this uncertainty you can find His peace in your heart. I learnt in EN lecture that we humans always desire and hunger for this need to know, to comprehend, attach meaning to things. But the True Romantic finds content in being in that gray area - of not knowing and yet, being perfectly at ease. Maybe life's like that too - be happy not knowing. It's surprising that way too.

Have a good Orientation, CJC. Miss you like hell crazy.

Dear God.

Friday, January 22, 2010

1:25 AM

I am grateful, for the trials that come my way.

For my senses of sight, touch, taste, smell and touch. That despite the human limitations of such senses, I can appreciate your beauty with in my humility.

That every week brings with it emotional roller coasters, the uncertainty of not knowing, the raising of expectations, the mother readings, the 8am schedules, the rush of public buses, the huff and puffs, the exhuastion of 2ams.

That despite what every week brings, I can face it thanks to your strength that empowers me, my friends who support me.

That despite the absence of loved friends, time differences, faded memories bring a little smile on those heavy days.

For friends who respond to dire conditions. For friends to respond to their dire conditions.

Late night dinners, sleepy eyes, blurred visions.

The pragmatism career demands, decisions influenced by needs, choices adhering to the needs of others.

I thank you God.

For free rides home, for lonely reflections, for the hassle of modules, incomprehensible lectures, far away lectures, appetite loss, mediacorp's improving TV shows.

I know you are there for me.

When I'm down, when I'm lost, a failure, crippled by expectations, coping with change.

Guess I needed to thank you.

Week 1 - I'd Roger that.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

12:23 PM

Super eventful week, it's been a whirlwind of activities, long due meetups, rushing for lectures, crazy Tuesday back to backs, the usuals. This week met up with the class girls and seren before she leaves tonight, also met up with 7-11 before pepe leaves. Thank goodness I decided to go back to school on Friday, for strange reasons Deck was pretty crowded so I managed to glimpse OG people as well :)
Ushering for Wo Bu Shi Li Bai - mainly Chinese speaking crowd from China, pretty much useless at communicating except for directions to the loo. I think seniors are pretty helpful in imparting 200 per cent knowledge to newbies which was really nice of them. Gallant senior who even didn't mind sacrificing half his dinner so I will not be hungry (I stupidly forgot to eat dinner before reporting because I was too immersed in table soccer at RH).
Saturday was equally packed as well, attended CJC's Bye Brother mass in chapel (most of CA went back to sing/read like good old times!) and let me say that the chapel, true to Brother's words, is inspiring. When I sat there, I felt like I was transported to an entire new dimension, not like in the old prayer room where we are scuttling to keep everything after morning mass because we can hear the morning bell. SO LOVELY <3
I will really miss Brother and all that's he done for us, from interviewing me right after my appeal back during second intake, to giving me a second chance, his ominous presence during morning assembly when we went up to say prayer, hovering around during night study etc. So many memories, I'm too lazy to type - just re read my 2008 entries. In his stint here, he was the Builder, the Disciplinarian, the Strategist. So many roles, it's amazing.
Full of love for my CJC (:

After Chapel Mass, attended Dinner and Fellowship with the year 1s - and then cabbed home because it was pretty late.
Sigh, I hate Sundays sometimes because you wake up knowing there is this OVERDUE list of things you haven't done over the weekend. Readings etc. SIAN.
Back to work I guess.

and i thank you, lord.

Friday, January 08, 2010

11:46 AM

Despite the growing skeptism, disbelief, refuting, questioning, doubting - sometimes He really makes his presence known. In one week I can go through from a total down to a smiley face up and that is quite wonderful in that sense. Wonderful because no matter how depressed, upset, disappointed and spiritually empty one may feel, there's also a special force (even if one may not acknowledge it as a higher one) that gives you that feeling. That community that's behind you, praying, caring, kind words and concerned questions, to rope you in, involve you.

Mixed feelings about starting sem now. On one hand, I feel excited, after all December was spent with a new found group of friends with whom meetups have been constant in the name of CAW - taking a module with them, seeing them at lectures/tutorials. And on the other, the growing divide of the OG, whom I've never had the chance to see at all, neither will I be taking common mods except the few faithfuls of course.

And besides all the confused friendship ties of varying social circles, perhaps there is a resentment and discontent with this bitter recurrent cycle - the launch into another 12/15 weeks of travelling, projects, deck lunches, late nights and petty fights. Too bad we don't have any other option huh.

Holidays have been gratefully awesome I can say - this is the first time I'm actually going out regularly and the feeling of going to bed at night knowing that you have Time on your hands and can tweak your schedule is great. Carolling, house visits, seeing my beautiful CJC people, eating out, Bugis <3, catching up with old friends, one day escape to JB, SPCA - this is truly, what a break should encapsulate. A temporary retreat and repriortizing what Life should really be about. Thank you, God. I am very grateful.

Of course, as with anything, there's also the usual hiccups, and tutoring may turn out to be a problem now - without a source of income, I guess I may have to resign my fate at the UCC. I wish money could fall from the sky sometimes.

P.S The train ride home was very entertaining yesterday - there was this hyper kid next to us who was "at the phase where colours and moving objects excite him" and was practically squealing with excitment at the HDB flats and carparks. After which we amused ourselves in a silly game of me tickling him and he keeling over. Thank goodness his grandma was there to literally catch him when he fell.

Kids. Love them, hate them.

just getting just a little fragile

Monday, January 04, 2010

9:32 PM

I did something really idiotic and stupid today. Or more like, didn't.

I really don't feel I'm supposed to be in uni, term is starting next week and so are the insecurities. I don't even know whether I can get the damn module because I ~~fucking~~ forgot about closed bidding and now I'm really feeling a multitude of negative emotions directed at myself. I wish someone could be my superhero but maybe my magic S is within me and I'm just being the retard I am.

I feel inferior, and really stupid compared to Them, I keep saying maybe I'm just not putting enough effort but how can it be, when I did all I could and not still not get it. I'm not superstitious but perhaps it's really bad luck on my side, accumualated karma that strikes due to the unfortunate actions of others. What goes around doesn't come back to you, but to the people around you. Why I miss my bus, why I never get what I want, why today the BTC did not bloody stop at the busstop but went to Law instead, why things turn out way different from what I expected, why my results are just so , damn, lousy.

I think I'm really a semi-Epsilon moron or something. That must be it. I'm sorry, God. I know you created me in your own image but somehow I think you must have skipped a step or two when you made me.

I am clueless, faithless, knowledgeless and pretty soon, module-less again. The kid's mother texted me today to resume again, and she moved house so I have to travel even FURTHER to her bigger and ulu-er house. Murphy thinks I'm his Pavlov Dog.

Looks like the 3 day week might just be another unattainable ideal.

I will not cry.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

10:43 PM

Even though I hate farewells, even though I can never get used to the fact that people walk in and out of lives - but I will be brave, put on a happy face, smile for the camera, and wish you all the best for the next 6 months.

~~Seriously an emokid~~

2010

Friday, January 01, 2010

8:25 PM

Drop the past year into the silent limbo of the past, let it go for it was imperfect, and thank God that you can let it go.
-rephrased, Atkinson

Resolutions have been made on Facebook, I hope I can keep them this time although people say the joy comes from break them. No I don't think so, I like to honour my word actually and I feel a great sense of accomplishment from doing so :)

Horribly unfit ever since I dropped out of DB and Frisbee, I haven't been doing much actually. In fact must have exhuasted myself from Advent running about, and my only exercise this week was carrying Hom Mali rice and walking around the estate. Argh how! I need to find a new way to keep fit before I melt into a huge puddle of blubber oh no.

I am annoyed with some people right now (not a good way to start the year). Okay not annoyed, I think I am just petty I wish you could remember things. And not make things inconvenient for me! And also to you, please don't do something stupid. Seriously I don't want to be responsible I already told you my viewpoints stop being so damn stubborn and MOVE on.

I've been having this huge dilemma about my hair actually, the entire 2009 I think I must have cut it a gazillion times. Carmen always points out that each time she meets me I just cut my hair. I also have been co-ercing my friend Jerome to shave his head with me. HAHA. It's just of those crazy ideas I've been entertaining for Hair for Hope this year. I just feel it would make such a huge difference if I may be bold enough to do so. However I think my parents might just have cardiac arrest.

See la, first day of 2010 and already I'm self-initating my problems. Haha.

the usual suspects

Aiming
Beans
Carmen
Cereal Tossers
Deborah Faith
Hao Wen
Jacq
Joel
Marie
Ngee Derk
T Lo