unfogging the future(or the present,at least)

2010

2010-01-01T20:25:00.002+08:00

Drop the past year into the silent limbo of the past, let it go for it was imperfect, and thank God that you can let it go.
-rephrased, Atkinson

Resolutions have been made on Facebook, I hope I can keep them this time although people say the joy comes from break them. No I don't think so, I like to honour my word actually and I feel a great sense of accomplishment from doing so :)

Horribly unfit ever since I dropped out of DB and Frisbee, I haven't been doing much actually. In fact must have exhuasted myself from Advent running about, and my only exercise this week was carrying Hom Mali rice and walking around the estate. Argh how! I need to find a new way to keep fit before I melt into a huge puddle of blubber oh no.

I am annoyed with some people right now (not a good way to start the year). Okay not annoyed, I think I am just petty I wish you could remember things. And not make things inconvenient for me! And also to you, please don't do something stupid. Seriously I don't want to be responsible I already told you my viewpoints stop being so damn stubborn and MOVE on.

I've been having this huge dilemma about my hair actually, the entire 2009 I think I must have cut it a gazillion times. Carmen always points out that each time she meets me I just cut my hair. I also have been co-ercing my friend Jerome to shave his head with me. HAHA. It's just of those crazy ideas I've been entertaining for Hair for Hope this year. I just feel it would make such a huge difference if I may be bold enough to do so. However I think my parents might just have cardiac arrest.

See la, first day of 2010 and already I'm self-initating my problems. Haha.

Falalala

2009-12-27T23:55:00.002+08:00

I don't feel the urge to blog as often as I used to in the past? Maybe it's because of my increasingly short attention span nao a days with all the FUN STUFFZ for the holidays. Past week has been a blast actually! Been house visiting, Fishy's for some baking escapades and then to Abel's for CAW meeting. Amazing hospitality! Last week I really coudn't keep track of the days at all, especially the weekend. On Christmas Eve I had a damn funny time hunting for my clothes because I am a last minute kancheong spider who did not have anything new to wear for Christmas and my mother has alot of superstitions. So I went with Carmen to Bugis as we climbed over railings because it was too crowded HAHA tak glam tak glam! Then I walked around FOR SUPER LONG until it was 7pm plus before I got me clothes.
Christmas was quiet, I literally spent it in front of the TV and then some horrible stuff cropped up was pretty upset. Thank you all my dear Favourites for always listening to me what would I do without you (: seriously h8 men sometimes.
Yesterday I drove! WOOHOO! So exciting, even though plenty of second opinions in the car non stop after which the ironic comment that "feel free to make your own judgment". And of course I still take very long to park, because I am anal like that and I want it to be perfectly IN THE LOT WHEELS STRAIGHT.
I baked today from scratch how awesome! (: Pretty tiring work, started at about 4ish and only ended at 9 omg no break in between. Of course I was pretty annoyed because what I wanted was quite different from the end result due to SECOND OPINIONS and altering ingredients and OMG WHERE WAS THE WOODEN SPOON. My arm is really sore now which means I haven't been exercising sigh but I have containers and containers of CHOCOLATE COOKIES! YAY.

Looking forward to EGGCITING WEEK AHEAD.

Aftermath

2009-12-21T22:40:00.002+08:00

I needn't have worried after all, God's intervention was awesomite so we had an awesomite ADVENTure camp! (: Finally able to breathe a huge sigh of relief after 3 days of hardcore saikang with Andrew. It was really nice being able to match the names to the faces and the faces to the names, mingling and our late night debriefs. The group tasks were pretty darn cool, due to Programme's planning - Wise Men went to IKEA in search of gifts, Angels intercept us, Mary cooked spaghetti, Joseph and his biodegradable donkey and the shepherds built the manger! (: A pity we didn't manage to take enough photos, comm members could only be at one place at one time (I of course, defied this).
During the course of the camp, Jocelyn Jockhim, true to her Log/Admin status, was:
Cleaning
Sweeping
Mopping
Refilling the water dispenser
Stirring the cordial/milo
Paying caterer
Running
Walking
Hopping (Broke my slipper)
Wiping
Clearing trash
and any other suitable gerund you can think of, insert here.

Cabbed there from my place with Beck Jerome Andrew cos of all the log items, and the cleaning aunty was so surprised I could speak in Tamil that she went out of her way to give me bleach and cleaning liquid ;) Of course, I also got to see the nicer side of people of whom I had a different impression which was pretty great. Plus the star gazing we had at night under the clear unobstructed night sky thanks to Janice's wow identification of ALL the stars. Not to mention the awesome supper :D Thank you Marie's MUM ah!

Came home yesterday (had a ride home) and crashed until evening, only to realise I missed class lunch ): Sigh, guess this weekend's been a camp of HIGH HIGH OPPORTUNITY COSTS.

Today, saya pergi ke Malaysia dengan emak saya. Kami jalan jalan di shopping centre dan membeli belah barang barang. Saya pergi ke kedai rambut, dan makan di Restoran Hong Kong, ada sedap makan bagus sekali. Selapas itu, kami menaiki bas dan keretapi balik rumah.

Happy, content and looking forward to this Christmas more than ever (: Thanks for opening up my eyes God to what Advent is truly about! (P.S Had a midnight mass in cold cold room)

:/

2009-12-18T00:04:00.002+08:00

Had a round of HTHTs this week, thanks to my awesome buddies who always catch me when I am falling. Thanks for hearing me out, so annoyed with person but have to grit my teeth and bear with it because of the pain that is hierarchy. Seriously annoyed that people can't even spare a thought that you are a GIRL and not as fit as them expect you to know how to do stuff. This is not gender bias. I know there's equality and blah but if you can define your gender based boundaries so well then expect me to do that too.

Also, am eagerly anticipating the weekend but honestly for more selfish reasons ;) Hopefully they'd allow me to sneak away when the workload's done without rife speculation.

Carolling was awesomeite dynamite, honestly was my virgin experience singing in parts HAHA, and boy everyone sounded pretty good! I <3 the cute cuddly boy who eagerly jumped up and down and dragged his chair over during performance to hear us sing. It's really sad when you see kids in the wards, I don't think they belong there but somewhere where the grass is always green. Sigh.

No more activities from stalker! Phew, am uber relieved. Thanks for the advice my dear friends, ignoring really works wonders.

PHONE CALL PHONE CALL PHONE CALL. I need to bring charger for camp sia, hopefully this month I did not explode my phone bill lest my mom explodes. You peeps can call me after 12 Fri/Sat if you need to talk to someone! I doubt I'd be sleeping much, judging by the timesheet just sent in by Charm. Speaking of which Mom accompanied me for logistics just now and I ended up underbuying haha, cos of second opinions. I am also very proud of myself for packing 'em neatly into stolen cardboard boxes and secured with tape. I couldn't fit the bisuits though ):

God, please bless Advent Camp - so many changes, participation problems, inconveinent timings - I really hope You can make this work out. Thanks alot God, for lighting that dying spark within me to do You service. I'm still wandering around aimlessly because my purpose is elusive as ever, and I guess drifting away from Catholic-related things has sorta put some pespective.

New friend this week (: So happy. And I had to cut bamboo poles with a KITCHEN KNIFE. Oh, my, gosh. My knot tying skills during log, FAIL.

Okay God, please bless me with NO MORE PIMPLES ARGH and a restful sleep tonight. Ta!

mrs doubtfire

2009-12-14T23:45:00.002+08:00

Insecurities, inadequacies, misunderstood signals.
Really hope camp works out!
Haha just had funkytime thinking of retard cheers with Joel Zomg.

it was a pretty good one.

2009-12-09T09:29:00.002+08:00

There is much to be grateful for.

I guess it's really nice to know you got your family and friends to (remember to) love you. Yes including the best wishes I got from best friend ("Happy Birthday Idiot! May you mossified life move from beneath the rocks") and from Derk who had to be reminded ("May you run away with an Indian boy and make curry" -.-). Of course there were also the sweet ones.

"Eh did you ask ___ to wish me cos he just texted me?"
"Ya, I told him to wish you cos it's your birthday"

But nothing could beat the bestest present I got from ICA, whom found my NRIC when I went down to check! (:

I really ate alot yesterday haha, my mom was amazed that I wasn't sick of having soup twice in a day but too bad I have a bias towards nice soups so there.

And of course nothing like NUS to do our blessed MPE by today. So I will be fretting over my potential timetable sigh. Malay or French Malay or French Malay or French.

Alive and Kickin'

2009-12-07T10:41:00.001+08:00

Woohoo, the holidays are finally here and I couldn't be happier myself :D After the agonizing two weeks of shuttling to and fro school in the freezing MPSH, I found myself a free blueblackbird on Wed. And of course I naturally forgot to return my library books so had to come back the next day -.-
Life's been dandy for the first week of December, just the usual keeping in contact with old friends and getting back into the secondary school routine of heading down to the library and borrowing some good ol' books. Am currently reading True Love and Other Lies, typical chick lit and quite mindless and predictable.
Friday to Sunday was a pretty good weekend I had in ages. Friday was wonderful because I am now offically P-Plate Moss :D Shortest test route in my life and my instructor's name was quirky, weather was fine, no horrible NEW roadworks. The feeling was liberating, like I REALLY ended my exams. Then it rained and poured like seriously, I was so glad that I was on the bus to the SPCA. But of course! I realised I took the wrong bus only when it started going to AMK and I scrambled for the exit. Then I had to took the circle line instead. Which btw was totally empty. SPCA was pretty nice and cosy, plenty of meow meows to keep me entertained. There was this super attention loving cat that plopped up on me and sat down, much to the amusement of some Chinese-speaking visitors who said "Wah no need to ask permission ah!"
Then I witnessed a REAL cat fight between it and another feline, which was broken up by the volunteer who took the injured cat and lavished it with attention, while telling off Attention Seeking Cat. Funny thing was that ATC responded by "grumbling" and slouching away to a corner.
Then came home and went for FUEL! Woohoo! They had this cave-like arrangement in front of youth room for the nativity play and I spent a good 5 minutes figuring out who to get in, until Sister helped. Haha. Noob. Then had late late dinner of hor fun with raw egg that cooks in the head with the bunch of them, before heading back.
Saturday! Hmm, what did I do? I woke up slow, met Mr Foo to catch New Moon. Was really late actually, we practically dashed all the way and when we went in they just started (meaning we had missed 15 minutes of commercials). NEW MOON BTW IS EXTREMELY A LET DOWN PLEASE. So many parts of the book which I thought were interesting was cut out, and the chemistry between Jacob and Bella was a bit strained I thought. As in, I know it's meant to be awkward cos the r/s is like best friends bordering on something else but I thought Bella could have looked more happy to see Jacob. PLUS, the ending! OMG! Horrendible! I practically cringed. Twlight virgins would definitely be like, "Huh, that's it?"
):

But in compensation, Saturday out was still woohoo cos met up with Kathy and Ivan to pass them my books/magazines. And then while walking back, had a very painful Prudential survey to sit down and do, and they kept asking so many awkward non-Prudential related questions. Lucky, I knew what the bank plan was about so saved them some selling by saying that I wasn't interested cos it's not like I can keep $$$ inside for 24 months hellooooo.

Then met up with FISHYFISHY to watch performance at Esplanade! :D After which we queued up for uber long at this Jap place which had decent food at decent prices! (considering we were at Esplanade). Then walked around aimlessly browsing/shopping before heading home.

Sunday I drove my dad's car :D Woohoo, right after our lunch at Botak Jones (didn't know they had one in TP) and then practised my horidble parking skillz, much to my dad's chagrin.

Okay, I'm still trying to get used to all this free time. It's a bit weird cos I'm not used to not being preoccupied with something - no ushering, no tutition. What am I going to do! Haha.

My Job.

2009-11-23T22:16:00.002+08:00

So much for hiatus huh, I really didn't want my fingers to stray but it's been an emotional week of sorts so I felt the need to blog.
I am very grateful to God that just listening to my instincts and attending mass can really lify my mood: from a week of avoiding people and sitting around for long long hours in skool to a much lighter mood as the week ended. Of course, because it's always tradition, I just had to fall sick one week before my papers with the lemon tea spam and the cold dungeons of the S'pore -Msia Collection. That is not the point though.
I am getting a bit scared because I am starting to be dependent on you.
I am also, annoyed time again by same problem that Fishy and I always encounter : Sometimes I think the issue is maybe not others, but ourselves because we wish to respect social blah and be nice, diplomatic but it totally sucks, when others don't get the message.
Just be self-sufficient, can. It is not our problem whether you wish to skip classes/lectures/tutorials whatEVER. It is however, our problem when you keep bugging us to borrow our materials which we conscientiously copied for attending rightfully and it's not like you were unwell or something or had to rush a deadline. Hello. Have a conscience and stop being so shamlessly dependent on others for your own advantage. If you were so deeply concerned about missing out you would have gone in the first place.
Other than that.

I think my job deserves an overdue post since I've been at it for about 2-3 months already.
I am Jocelyn, Usher, UCC. (curtesy)
I can't say I'm deeply in love with it - it's sort of like an arranged marriage that I forced myself into but I guess it just has to grow on you. I didn't like it at first, because I am loner_ahlian but I guess there are others who feel like that too so it's not that bad - hell it's only 3-4 hours each time anyway.
But people like Andy make it bearable and gradually enjoyable - watching out for you, taking the trouble to make conversation with a painfully mute person like myself, reminding me to take re-entry slips. I am awfully forgetful : Last week I worked twice and the last event was Killah because I was posted alone omg, kids running around + impatient parents + annoying latecomers = GG. As a result of my painfully laborious process of tripping the stubs, the queue escalated until Alvan had to rush down and help out. I was so sad. My learning curve is like, really. Slow.
The one thing I like about my job is that during the period of no contact I can gaze into oblivion all I want, with the occasional "Sudah makan?" to the cleaners and security uncle. Oh, did I mention that I also get addressed in Malay? Conversations tend to be recycled because each post holds a new senior and they usually lose interest.

Other than that.

I think today I learnt a painful lesson on why I prefer to study alone. Today's lesson was even more painful because it was taught by a friend.
Please kill me I am emo as nemo. Even buying the Seventeen magazine did not cheer me up.

2009-11-18T21:12:00.001+08:00

So a mixture of things happened lately,
and I'm quite depressed as of now.

Change of plans, totally suck.

Hiatus.

But not in so many words, you know?

2009-11-13T21:10:00.002+08:00

She liked the sound of his voice. The deep resonance, crackling steadily through a long distance call. To curl up on bed on a cold rainy night and listen to the familarity, in the unfamiliarity of this new world.

He looked forward to calling her. In the confines of that prison, with the long shadows of the day towering and closing in like mighty walls. To keep in contact with the only civilisation that existed, that he knew of.

A typical love story?
How wrong you are.
There was nothing typical about it, mainstream mudane commonality. No, typical would have meant cliche and cliche would have been the old fashioned romance so often sought after in many a chick lit book, and this wasn't it. Neither was it a story, for a story would have been a mere representation of what was happening, just another once upon a time and a happily ever after.
This wasn't a silly teenybopping romance with the moonlight serenades and secret rendevous. With the indie soundtrack and the raving reviews.

He fought for The Cause, classifed information and secret alliances in that underground network. It wasn't Fear that kept them below. Bravery wasn't all about flamboyance and show. His gun in hand and life and stake, he knew this wasn't an easy battle. To fight.

Liberty was merely a statue.

She fought her own battles as well. It is the Cause the Cause his soul. To wait in growing apprehension and dread when she caught the local news. When the remote controlled her life, for a flick of the channel would have made that difference.

The old Polaroid in that silver frame of happy memories; her almond eyes a shy gaze as his boisterous laughter permeates that entire square of Perpetual. Their second year, with that ever faithful run down apartment in the background. Aching heart, heavy with burden. Longing fingers, the sliver of metal with intertwined hearts and a lone diamond.

The third year never came.

He fought, but what did he fight for?

November Babies

2009-11-07T19:31:00.003+08:00

Happy Birthday November People! (:
Li Xin Bei whom I secretly stalked and surprised, super delayed because WOMAN got home at happening twilight time hahaha. (:
My MUMMY (: Whom I got Japanese cheesecake, cookies, and Chinese takeaway for dinner that night.
FTJ (: Even though technically I didn't do much but I HOPE he has a good birthday tomorrow!

Alright, this was a fabulous weekend aye. In celebration of the end of my deadlines (even though this also means exams are coming BUTTTT heck) I er, didn't study this week haha :/ In fact, this week I was rather elated because:
1) End of many tutorials WOO which also means it will FORCE me to study during break, instead of walking aimlessly around campus and browsing num slippers omg
2) No more Malay ad hoc projeks! Yay
3) I watched cloudy with a chance of meatballs with Becks Erika and Friend. Which was rather unexpectedly good. Because of the underlying themes of parental acceptance, a la Enemy of the People and cute gummy bears! FOOD MOVIE, I like.
4) I went for CG! Very fruitful sharing PLUS i got a ride home too.
5) I went for FUEL! Heart AVERYBAHDEE there, including the dinner at heartland shop with Salameh and Eun and Fran (:

Today I woke up at an ungodly hour and took the slowest bus on earth to sekolah for ushering. Event? KUMON HONOURS ROLL. Haha, adorable children including the boy whose teeth was momentarily stuck in the zip that he was chewing on. Ended earlier than I thought, so went to meet Mr Foo and I seriously didn't know what we were both doing after our exhausting walking intensive week but we walked so much because Subway was crowded ttm haha, omg I think my pedometer would have reset a couple of times la.
Today was good (:

And of course, the only time I chose to sleep in for awhile during the weekend, and I can't because guess what - the ampitheatre decides to host some PERCUSSIONS performance with exceptionally LOUD and BOOMZ guys screaming their hearts out like merantau warriors so I woke up very grumpy.

K, Imma go grab some grub now before I hit the shit that is lit. Haha.

Road to Eldorado

2009-11-02T22:25:00.002+08:00

I step into the darkness, or else the light.
I trudge like a man along a path, not knowing where he is going.
Events that stand for something else.
After an overload of ambiguity in unsalvagable papers, I am now saturated with PS and EN content - a weekend burnt doing what I'm relegated to for the rest of my uni life. I realise I didn't submit my turnitin receipt today, I am so smart sometimes which means I gotta resubmit tomorrow after lecture.
Entirely exhuasted I kid you not - an entire week of late nights past 1am, and full days in school.
Freedom freedom, but in its limited enjoyment for it signals the coming of bloody exams.

I yearn to cycle and release colourful balloons into the air, the way a caged bird yearns for its flight of fancy. Pick strawberries from the fields of forever, blow dandelions to tell time, a tea party with Alice in Wonderland and hide and seek with Amelia Jane. To the soundtrack of Trading Yesterday. December 4th, come quick I say.

That's the weekend for you

2009-11-01T19:24:00.004+08:00

yuppie sandwich at yuppie hangouts

moist nutella mini cupcakes

inviting rows of bookshelves

Albeit my willpower to get started on my essays, weekend was beautifully burnt with only 48 hours to live. Fuel absence third time in a row, I felt pretty sad because meeting ended later than I thought. Perked up when I saw FBF at the MRT - managed to catch a glimpse of the army boys for awhile as well. 2 movies in 1 day - one for the family and one for the friend. I'm only going to start on my Lit right after this post, without any Bejeweled distractions hopefully - Cheryl really helped me loads on getting my points right tgtg. I am seriously so tired, ttm running on energy deficits and sleep is inviting, and yet I cannot because I have so, much, work.

I live only for the weekends. Crazy week is finally over, Malay Test SE deadline Malay skit. Read WTFB fin, watched Hee Row She Maa fin, now just waiting for crazy Monday-Wed to be over before I can cut me some slack.

Next weekend is going to be awfully busy as well -I seriously hope I didn't sign up for ushering on an inconvenient day again.

You know you have the BEST best friend in the world, when she says she wants to talk to you about something serious , and then you realise the something serious isn't even about her, but about how to help another friend.

TGFF - Thank God for Fishy (((:

"I would rather just maybe you and I go watch a movie and eat lunch. Simple"

Just made me realise that it must have been pretty out of your way to do what you did last year - and I'm just feeling very grateful and touched. (:

Reminder to self: STOP SIGNING UP FOR SO MANY THINGS! Advent, Carolling, Standard Chartered(?)

Things to Do: Contact catering, keep track of tutoring lessons, get started on HMA and SEreadings. STOP SKIPPING MEALS.

face unafraid the plans that we made

2009-10-28T23:19:00.002+08:00

It's that indescribable feeling, that instantenous connection, the confluence of two minds on a common topic. The flash of a smile, the friendly wave, to the boy seated at the lonely corner pretending to be absorbed in his books. To watch him, bagpack as companion, tread the steps a solitary figure, the wish for outreach. To break the ice, crack the cold slippery surface to the crystalline waters below - a joyous greeting, crooked teeth awkward arms heavy bag.

To transcend that barier of self-sufficient suppposedness, the facade of cool beneath which a lost child yearns for easy conversations. Memory flashbacks of the tiny frame pushed around by sneering schoolmates, distant laughs and collision of time.

Back.

Back to now, here the present. Approach gentle calm like the breeze.

Hi.

there's something in your eyes

2009-10-25T22:11:00.003+08:00

Today I caught up with an old friend whom I have neglected since A levels, and he mentioned how I'm still the same cheerful cold jokes person over the phone. Somehow, everyone says I haven't changed one bit - Shan said that when I told her about my laptop called Harry Potter (HP), JC classmates think I'm still forgetful and lose my things like Little Bo Peep, and now old friend too.
Maybe, change is a good thing too. Everyone's changing these days anyway.
I liked today's sermon mit was fiery and emotional and on What Makes A Christian Christian. Whenever I listen to anything religious nowadays I feel like I'm listening to it from two perspectives - one being the HolyMoley Yes Yes This Is Good I should do it more often, but then the other part of me stands detached and says, Religion is just another opiate of the masses. I'm such a hypocrite sometimes.

Shrug. I saw a really hot and toned girl yesterday btw, I feel motivated to exercise now aha.

keep running running and running running.

2009-10-24T20:37:00.002+08:00

This is Jocelyn. See Jocelyn Run. Run, run, Jocelyn. Run, as fast as you can.

This week was a race in itself, onslaught of old deadlines and creeping in of the new assignments. Uni, thy name is Crazy. Basically was burnt on driving, going to school early on a late day, staying back during early days, screwing up my eating habits again. Ushering was pretty interesting I got to see Najip Ali in person but I'm so sad because nobody else was as excitable as I was. But I'm always so excitable hmm. I had a truckload of halal food after the event I was so happy I even offered the taxi uncle one but he refused and in the end charged me a few cents less haha. I also gave it to the tutee's mom but then now I realise maybe she's vegetarian and can't consume it smackhead gosh.

Last PS tutorial I was kinda sad, because I was finally warming up to the girls in class and starting to open my mouth - well good times do come to an end. Tuts are getting more cozy because you start seeing people around school but of course nothing beats the CJ feeling of really truly knowing the person you waved at. Lit is insane, I can't keep up with the readings and they always give essays at such short notice and the books are always on loan HMPH.

I was feeling rather unholy because I had to skip a few sessions and I didn't get to Fuel either. Thank goodness God was nice to me today, after I ran my first 10km marathon SO PROUD OF MYSELF AND THE OG. (: Of course I chose to be malas and walked so much haha, but now I still can feel the heat emanating from my legs it's almost as if I just did Thaipusam fire walking.
I'm getting quite overwhelmed seeing all the inbox flooded with Advent Things To Do - I hope God stands by me and shows the way for a lost sheep like myself.

Looking forward to a hopefully less hectic week with some overdue meetups and well deserved rest - projeks go away!

Freedom

2009-10-18T19:04:00.003+08:00

There is nothing quite as liberating as striking off an item on a to-do list.

Blessed are who are free, they shall have a peaceful Sunday.

High opportunity cost though, of skipping house visits ):

StayAtHome Saturday

2009-10-17T20:22:00.003+08:00

It's quite amazing how people can still annoy the hell out of you, latitudes and time differences aside. Guess some things never change. I know you read my blog, you just pretend not to - so what I'm saying is that, you should learn how to draw the line at this thing called invasion of privacy. I think it's really annoying when you say it wouldn't hurt to confide in you, when right after that you just start spewing your mouth out at your profound discoveries. And to think you don't really like people when they are childish, well have you looked in the mirror lately? >:

This week was a Kate Perry music video - hot and cold, yes and no. Suffered my second mini heartbreak in a week, slept at insane timings discussing all the endless projects that are giving me an early grave, getting scolded by an eleven year old, almost kena cheated by a tuttee. On the happy side, plenty of birthday celebrations this week. Insecurities aplenty, I honestly feel stupid and I wish God wouldn't trust me so much because he tests me so many times I feel like giving up. I am not Job. Life gets a bit bearable with a little help from my friends, Beatles you speak so much truth - OG sightings, CSS heart-felt reflections and latenight phonecalls keep me sane from this ridiculous ratrace.

I was completely exhausted on Friday when I ended, I didn't even have the energy to attend Fuel/CSSMass - just went home and slept like a log ( honestly, how did this expression come about) before starting on some work. Saturday morning brought a little smile to my face - went to get the goodie bag at the Flyer before meeting the dearies Foo and Marie for our lunch at Tully's (: and I nearly left my goodie bag there. SO FORGETFUL! This week left my cards in school overnight and didn't realise until this girl emailed me that she found them omg I nearly died.

I'm so sedated right now - Deepavali could have been more hyped up, CableTV would have helped greatly I don't even feel any festivity. However I just watched Ghajini in Hindi and it is waay better than the Tamil one, partly because I'm biased towards Amir <3. Heh Heh.

I'm wearing my newly bought crucifix now, and it makes me feel holy I'm so superficial :/ I hope God points out the way for me in this uncertainty. You know, the bible say to cast all your weary burdens unto Him and not to worry, but I wonder whether anyone thinks that it is quite mean to keep loading all your troubles unto your God. I understand he's an almighty all-powerful guy but I really find this mean and inconsiderate. I'm sure his inbox is flooded with constant spamming about material needs and whines. Would you want to always keep troubling your friend with your never ceasing problems? I guess that is why God helps those who help themselves, maybe it's a nice little reward for making the attempt to solve things out on your own and then entrust to him. Then again, should we alternatively be entirely submissive to Will?

I have no idea why I'm blogging when I have a duckload of work to do it's crazy. Papers due and a Malay blog, test and skit coming right up. I really hope the guy friends can join us soon in uni, I'm such an antisocial hermit. Bah.

Down to a Tea.

2009-10-10T11:40:00.002+08:00

Reasons why my stomach deserves a poor ol' apology:
1) I spammed on tea this week. For reasons unknown or of convenience, I just downed copious amounts of lemon tea (at Superdog), kiwi milk tea (disgusting please don't ever ever go there), peach tea twice in school before ushering and last night after Rosary at Fran's place.

2) In tandem, the irregularity of my meals in which I tended to skip lunch after school and only have dinner because I was lazy and I had to rush for tutoring. And the day of ushering I lunched at 10am, after which I didn't eat anything except some peanuts right before the peformance started. So by the time I got back home I had dinner it was about 11.

3) The culmination of which my stomach finally went on strike was thus on Wednesday, right after comm meeting because I had not eaten for like 7 hours in a row. So when I was shuttling back, had a major GASTRIC ATTACK. BLAH. Naturally I had a Lecture ER110o1E (Eating Right Exposure module) from my parents at home, and I could only down milk.

However, I am proud to say that I am feeling much better now (: I ate alot of food yesterday right after my famine tendencies - dairy breakfast (by my insistent dad who bought it so that I would stop skipping meals), savourybites from J8, lunch, potato chips, dinner, blueberry muffins at Fran's with rose syrup, and BUBBLE TEA <3

Btw, 500 Days of Summer is the best shit ever (((: I liked it because it was off-beat, very indie movie video-ish, had splashes of witty dialogue, and a very refreshing ending (: GO WATCH!

As for the Incident on Thursday night, thanks to the people I spoke to for cheering me up even though I was an emotional wreck ZZZZ.

I think I'm so screwed for EL Midterms really killed me. Projects and Essays, here comes me.

Summer&Autumn

2009-10-08T23:06:00.002+08:00

I could fill a well with the tears that I've shed, September and October.

What good is a chance. When you never use it.

2009-10-05T21:55:00.002+08:00

A tiny silohuette arches lazily on the top of the red brick wall, away from the glaring heat of the sun. The cat swats a fly over, slightly perturbed by its interruption to its pristine schedule of self-cleaning time.
Shuffleshuffle nervousglanceatwatch ticktocktockgoestheclock hurriedfootsteps hurtledownthestairs trainapproaching dashthroughgantry pushshovecursegaspmakewaybreathe doorsclosing.
The cat yawns. Stretching itself the length of the wall, it practises its steely gaze upon the traffic light that stands erect, the staff of modern day Moses that parts the sea of commuters.
Impatienttappingoffeet beepbeepbeepirritatingringtone growingqueueforthedailynewspaper ticktockticktock honkhonkyellowcabwhizzesby screechhalttoastop.
Green man.
They dash across the road junction, as if it were Thaipusam and treading the walk of fire. Annoyed by the homeless wheelchair bound imploring for sales of tissue paper, handy for the choping of hawker centre seats at lunchtime. They dash; faceless commuters brimming with purpose for the day, 9-5 of productive contribution and greasing the gears that shape the Economy. Hurried exchanges of rapid business confirmations, reaffirmations of the Kok&Huat deal, stockexchangenogoodnogood what the hell was Steven thinking. Distractions by beeping gadgets screaming for attention. They stop.
Red man.
The cat rolls over, indifferent.

2009-10-01T22:30:00.002+08:00

I can't believe I just had a major panic attack. It was so bad that I just cried suddenly. Fretting over STUPID work. ): As always grateful to everyone who asked me to calm down. Why can't I just let God take control? Why must I always be so unnerved by everything >:
Advent. Uncertainty.
EL next week.
PS essay tmr.
EL homework undone.

I met my DB senior today. I almost didn't recnognise her - until I saw the tan. I feel so sad now, because I ran away when I told myself that I wanted the Push. Now that another Push is coming up I want to run away again. I think someone needs to slap me back to my senses. I also think I need to start studying. And to have more patience with the kid who whines and snatches away the book when I'm teaching.

I am so exasperated right now.

Saducees are sad you see!

2009-09-30T23:25:00.002+08:00

Amazingly this has got to be one of those really euphoric moments in my lifetime - I rarely feel happy so this is like striking Toto. I guess it's really God's work at play here, and CG today really got me thinking about Faith and Prayer. Okay, so I guess I'm not really a holymoley person even though people seemed to think like that - cos of CA and saying grace and the youth group. So I can't really say that I have an active Prayer life. Maybe I had one, or I used to have one, but I know now that I definitely don't. They say Prayer is a relationship with God, so by that logic, I wouldn't have one with Him right now. Right? Left! I don't think so le. I may not Pray, but I do see God in many situations today even in school. God doesn't have to manifest His presence in flamboyant tadaa moments. In fact for me He likes to touch my life in the forms of Angels in Disguise (Fuel credit) - when I was stuck on my essays, or when I need a break from all the hulabaloo. It's simply quite amazing how coincidental things can be, whenever I feel so tired that I need a timeout, that my tutoring is magically rescheduled. Or like how today during CG I kept fantazing about food HAHA sorry super duper hungry, and guess what? We had a mini international spread of delightful mooncakes, indian sweets, black sesame pie, sticky rice crackers and bubble gum lollipop! (: I was so happy just looking at all the food I gave thanks to God. Then as I was waiting for the shuttle home, Mr Foo so coincidentally called so talktalktalk the entire ride home! It was just a good day I feel, those days when everything just falls into place no matter how rough it was at first, and you feel so grateful you want to sing and shout praise.
I guess that means even though I lack in Prayer, I still have Faith. They said P should be a platform on which F can be furthered. But if you keep praying without any faith, then no point in that also right? But okay la, also quite bad if you keep having all the Faith you have, but you don't credit it with Prayer. Also I don't think Prayer should be all about Requests but also Thanksgiving. After having my share of major crisis last year, I think I should be grateful for it because it put so much of perspective in my life and made me see the same old things with new eyes. So to think that everything happens for a reason, is also Faith in itself. And to say Prayers believing in them? Faith too.
I'm so spiritually high right now I could just neglect my readings for tomorrow, in fact I don't even feel anxious about anything right now because I've placed all my worries now in Him.
Let go, Let God.
(:

Rock of faith and vault of grace

2009-09-26T20:06:00.005+08:00

My friends, consider yourselves fortunate when all kinds of trials come your way, for you know that when your faith succeeds in facing such trials, the result is the ability to endure. Make sure that your endurance carries you all the way without failing, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. But if any of you lack wisdom, you should pray to God, who will give it to you; because God gives generously and graciously to all. But when you pray, you must believe and not a doubt at all. Whoever doubts is like a wave in the sea that is driven and blown about by the wind. If you are like that, unable to make up your mind and undecided in all you do, you must not think that you will receive anything from the Lord.

James 1: 2-8

unresolved sentiments

2009-09-24T21:24:00.002+08:00

There's really not much to update right now, contrary to popular belief recess week isn't exactly a yaygome break but more so a breather to catch up on work and finish up the damn assignments. Procrastination is driving me crazy, I gotta have more resolve when it comes to discipline, it's freaking Thursday and I'm Mode Unproductive 101 Good Gosh Help Me. The week has been so-so lor, time passes by really fast when you want it to slow down.
Public holiday was really good catchup time, first virgin experience at Ben&Jerry's haha shoot me I know right I have a 2 year lag compared to others. Good to catch up with the Scribes and Besty, then tutored before reaching home.
Seren's farewell was a melancholic affair; alot of memories of our IJ and JC PW/seating partner days - the airport is really an emo place nowadays, way too many people leaving. Makes you wonder whether they'd be a part of your life ever again :/
Visited the dear old junior college (: Sigh, I really know I shouldn't dwell on the past too much but gosh how I miss my dear CJC. Wearing the pale blue uniform, sitting at canteen benches (must always be high high), talking to bookshop aunty, charming the librarian... the memories feel so faded and distant now. Sigh, even the fish soup today turned out different and the lady isn't there ): instead, replacement of this super efficient lady haha. Talking to the teachers was good - Mr Tan, Ms Yang, Mrs Leong. I wish I could grow younger!
I am particularly emo this week, gah Joel must have passed me his melon coli. I dropped a CCA in the end ): Oh yes, tribute to all the wonderful people who helped me with PS when I nearly gave up hope. Thankew(: